A Re-evaluation

Just because they’re crazy about themself (sic) they think you’re crazy about them, too, and that you’re just dying to do them a favor. It’s sort of funny, in a way.”

— The Catcher in the Rye [J.D. Salinger]

 … Now don’t, please.

be quite so single-minded, self-involved,

or assume the world is wrong and you are right.”

— Antigone [Sophocles]

Okay, because my emometer is on the loose now after watching the tear-jerker special of Zettai Kareshi courtesy of Alea, (Aside: I like the series more. The essence of this special was just about the same as the series proper’s. End aside.) I had to write these thoughts down.

I really hate it when I’m being forced to do something I (repeatedly) refuse to do. I hate it more that that the “something” isn’t even important at all. I hate it when they don’t even listen during the seldom instances that I talk. On the contrary I always try mightily hard to listen to them. I hate myself for being this passive. Is it because of that that they regard me as someone who would always compromise for their sake? Gosh, this is so pathetic.

When the grudge (I’m so adept at holding) just spills this way, I feel immobilized. I hold them dear, but sometimes my patience reaches its limit, that I just want to scream at their face and run away.

What’s saddening, too, is that the thing that you enjoyed “doing” with them just suddenly felt like an assigned task you’re expected to accomplish. It’s beginning to feel like it’s not fun anymore because they keep insisting you to do things (however subtle the insistence is).

And I hate my tendency to patronize. This concept of courtesy in our culture inhibits one to be frank and blatantly declare dislike towards something or someone… Maybe I’m at fault for pointing my inability to express myself properly on a cultural nuance, but I guess it’s just innate. Sigh.

This would probably be it, right? That “familiarity breeds contempt”? That during your “bonding time,” at the back of your mind, you’re wishing that they’d pay more attention to what you’re saying or that they would think first before speaking? Or that you wish that they’re good friends enough to know what your take on a particular subject would be, and that they’d quit insisting you to change your mind and do as they please? Or that it’s just a phase and your friendship is deeper than something you refuse to do? But then again, maybe it wasn’t such a great friendship at all that it is only anchored on one or two similar interests? And that a change of heart in these is enough to trigger uncertainty and dislike?

Saa na~